Alyce's Blog

Memoirs

A Natural Indifference
When bad news crashed into me, I didn't really show much pain. Little droplets may seep out as fatigue or not eating, but, overall nothing. A natural indifference would envelop me.

It would be like I'm going through the motions of life, registering everything, but I would be trying so hard not to break down completely on the inside. I had my reactions down to a study. If someone said this, then I react like this. If I say that, then someone would react like that.
I
would keep my words to the minimum, above the bar os suspicious activity, but below my typical socializing ways.

The first time I developed this was when I was six. I understood more than a six-year-old should, but I was still very much caught up in my own naivete. I knew where babies came from, I knew what sex was, and death was able to be fully comprehended without fear. I knew what to say, and how to say it. I was a very odd six-year-old.

My grandmother had died that year in September.

I was the youngest one at my grandmother's funeral abd burial. My and my sister, Sandu, wore nearly matching dresses. Mine was black with a purple collar, sleeves and rose decoration on the two front pockets. Sandy's was exactly like it, only it was pink. We both had jackets, also, big puffy ones. Mine was silver, and her's was light burgundy.

Our mother had been crying alot all that day and on the eight-hour drive up to Ohio. Infact, everyone was crying, including my sisters and brothers. I felt aliennated by this, because I was the only one who didn't have tear streaks down her cheeks.

My mother pulled Sandy and I over to the side the day of the funeral before we ledt and told us:

"Now you're gonna be good, okay? Grandma isn't coming back," she choked a little at this phase but continued, "You'll see her, but she won't talk to you. Don't hug her, or kiss her like you usually do, okay?"

I nodded silently, but Sandy squealed an annoying question, "But why?"

I answered for my mom, "Because she's dead."

My mother looked at me, concerned. I looked her dead in the eye and didn't break the eye contact. She was the one who turned away.

We went to the funeral home. Everyone was either crying, laughing, or doing a combination of the two. I walked around by myself and looked at the random displays. It came time for the service and I sat down in the very front as everyone professed their love for my grandma. Her casket was still open after the service, so I took one last peek.

She was wearing a purple broach on her bur wool jacket. She had on a white colonial shirt was frills tucked underneath the jacket. Her hands were neatly folded near her navel, where her wedding band was still cemented into place. She was real, but not completely. She looked like wax. She looked too perfect. She looked like she needed a cigarette.

That's what killed her anyways, lung cancer.

But it would have been more appropriate, if she a cigarette box in her jacket pocket with a lighter next to it. The last time I saw her, she was smoking on her back porch while Sandy and I  played with their little white rat of a dog, Prince.

After the funeral we all went back to my grandma's and grandpa's house to eat. Sandy wanted ice cream before she ate anything else. I didn't really care. I wasn't hungry.

But my sister Natalie, turned and said in a matter of fact, yet harsh tone, "Grandma maybe gone, but her rules are still enforced."

Sandy instantly was quieted. I pushed my food around my plate, then scraped the remains in the the trashcan and went into the living room.

That was the first time. The second, third, fourth, and fifth times all were simliar. People dying, a cold apathy admitting itself from me, and me bottling up everything else until I felt it was safe to show. They were all people that were close to me, one would call them the best of friends. Three of them fell into that category. The last one, most recent one actually, was my grandpa in the September of '07.

The harsh, ice-like indifference stayed my natural defence. It's unfortunate really that I had to be broken of that habit. It still rears it's (somewhat) un-welcomed head from time-to-time though.

That's my memoir! Cheery, huh?

There's such thing as nature?!? Oh yeah, I remember now.

Well, I haven't been near nature lately. Unless the weeds and random trees in the middle of the city counts. You see, I've been in Pittsburgh hacking my lungs up because of the oh so fresh air up here. (sarcasm)

But, nature. It sounds famliar. Like a lost friend...or someone dying of cancer. Either or, everyone could use a little more nature in their life. (Valentine's Day is an example of that, you know the roses?)Then there's April 20th...haha, there's a enough fun-filled nature in that day.

Okay, so let's see what my brain can crank out for poetry!

Life-
In a bottle.
Or in a box.
With-
Too many
Locks.

To be seen,
But not touched,
A taboo,
Understood?

A sad song,
Sung by streets,
Or what's underneath,
What's surpressed,
In our heath.

Our end,
Near,
But, controled.
Known,
But not extoled.

To see,
Is to believe.
But,
The belief-
Is a mistake.

Alittle rhyme, alot of rhythm, at least I think so. Well, considering it's one-thirty-something A.M. right now, and I'm paying $10 to be connected each day, I'm pretty proud. It kinda sucks still. Don't agree?

Take a feather, then.

Over and out, reporting for Pittsburgh!

Evolution Versus Theistic Evolution

Well, in biology, we get to put our diplomacy skills to the test. Twice, even.

We were all assigned certain topics to debate for and against. The topics were:

-Evolution
-Creationism
-Thiestic Evolution
-Intellegent Design

I managed to land something I believed in, Evolution.

The first debate we did was against creationism(orgins according to the bible), and my team won.

My next debate(though this one is for extra credit) is against the other team that won, Thiestic Evolution, or Evolution guided by a divine Being. This won't be as easy as the debate with creationism...because well, it's kinda the same thing...alittle. It's confusing really...

Well, more on this later.

Who Dun It??

Are Romeo and Juliet tragic heroes because of their extreme infatuation and impulsive behavior?

Unfourtunatly, the answer is yes. Yesterday in class, we discussed who initially caused their deaths. The two star-crossed lovers took their own lives, because of their impulsive behavior and infactuation. Do we really think that? Yes, at least I do.

Romeo was rejected by Rosaline. This caused him to be depressed and melancholy most of Act I. In modern times, this time would be called the rebound. When Romeo saw Juliet, he was caught off guard. Completely disarmed by her innoccent virtue, and purity. She was like an angel sent to heal Romeo's ego, and pride. So, he fell in lust and love instantly with this "angel of light."

Juliet's life had been confine and controled by her parents. She was young, and fair, so naturally her parents would keep her under lock and key, only allowing her out when she wanted to go to church. The party when she met Romeo, was like her coming out party to meet Paris. But, she met Romeo. And as the saying goes..."When in Rome..."

They aren't heroes, they are idiots. Ignorant idiots. Caught off guard by love, one wanting to be healed, and another probably having a first experience with such a human emotion.

Why AP?

AP courses are more rigorous classes that require particular attention from each student. One would believe that I wouldn't be able to handle the challenges that the class would give me.

I'm not really challenged in my current classes, it shows in my work. I seem lazy, and undependable, but with a good challenge, I become determined and more driven to be the best. AP classes are a way for me to get that challenge and obligation to achieve my potential. One of my teachers in eighth grade said I had a great mind, but, I need the motivation of being treated like a smart individual in AP classes than another face in the crowd with an average intellingence. I feel that it would be better for my experience in high school to be in AP.

intellect

Love, love, lovely, lovely LOVE!

Okay, so what is love exactly? An experience. A wonderful experience. But, yet, at the same time, a horrible one. It can build you up to the highest mountains, but, it can all the more knock you down and out from the running.

Unfourtunatly, its often mistakened for infactuation or lust. Alot of relationships in highschool break apart because of that. From the time a person enters middle school, the testing really begins. Everyone is trying to capture affection in this strong form, but, love is a sufficating smoke, and everyone is using butterfly-nets to catch a whiff of its wonder. A happy song can often describe it, but so does a sad one.

I have a bunch of songs(and pictures!) to describe love~ Muse and well...muse...are my sources. And Armor for Sleep.
(butterflies)


(love is a death trap)

MUSE
Starlight (its wanting love in a person.^_^)
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold

Endlessly(a protector's love or hidden love! so ROOOOOOOMANTIC!)
There's part of me
You'll never know
The only thing
I'll never show

Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly, I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up.
I won't let you down
I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes

It's plain to see,
It's trying to speak
Cherished dreams
Forever asleep

Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly, I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes.

Hopelessly, I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly, I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up
I won't let you down
I won't leave you falling
But the moment never comes.

ARMOR FOR SLEEP

Car Underwater(the darker side of undying love)
Believe the news I’m gone for good
Call off the search. No one will know that I am down here
And believe the note I left for you
You can’t turn back the clocks
You can’t pull me up from here so don’t try

In a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn’t care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you
I’m in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn’t care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you

Make time slower, Give me longer
It’s too late for me
No one will know that I’m down here
And believe your dreams of me sinking so far below
You can’t pull me up from here so don’t try

In a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn’t care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you
I’m in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn’t care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you

Leave it up to me to burden you again
This was not your fault… please forgive me
Leave it up to me to burden you again
This was not your fault… so forget, so forget, so forget me

Don’t think back, don’t think back on me at all
Just let me go
Don’t think back, don’t think back on me at all
Just let me go
Don’t think back, don’t think back on me at all
Don’t think back, don’t think back on me at all
Don’t think back, don’t think back on me at all

I’m in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn’t care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you
I’m in a car underwater with time to kill
Thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn’t care that you left and abandoned me
What hurts more is I would still die for you
I would still die for you
I would still die for you
I would still die for you
I would still die for you
And I would still die for you

The Truth About Heaven(a consoling song.)
Walked past my grave in the dark tonight
Saw the stone and the note you left for me
To answer your question,
I just had to leave, I just had to leave

But that’s not why I'm here
I came down here to tell you
It rains in heaven all day long
I wanna find you so bad and let you know
I’m miserable up here without you
Miserable up here with out you

Found my way back in the dark tonight.
Couldn’t wake up not right next to you
I’d trade in forever to just hear you say
The sound of my name

But that’s not why I’m here
I came down here to tell you
It rains in heaven all day long
I wanna find you so bad and let you know
I’m miserable up here without you
Miserable up here without you

Don’t believe that it’s better
When you leave everything behind
Don’t believe that the weather
Is perfect the day that you die
Don’t believe that the weather
Is perfect the day that you die

I came down here to tell you
It rains in heaven all day long (All day long)
I wanna find you so bad and let you know
I’m miserable up here without you (Miserable up here without you)


I came down here to tell you
It rains in heaven all day long (All day long)
I wanna find you so bad and let you know
I’m miserable up here without you (Miserable up here without you)


Don’t believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die

Music is a portal to the soul!

I will post more later.

The Two Voice Poem: In the Mind of a Killer

Dreaming, writhing,
What have I done?
Images pain,
What did I become?
Memories, screams,
For me to stop.
Though alls I could do,
Was shoot that last shot.

Finally! At last!
They are all gone!
All that was left,
Was to hum a song,
I got it all,
Every scrap of cloth,
There wasn't enough left,
To even fill a moth.

Oh gosh, oh dear,
I have to turn myself in,
No! No!
It couldn't have been...
Me? Me?!
Why blame me?
I couldn't have...
Shouldn't have...
I have to flee.

Solitude,
Sweet redemption in my grasp,
I am free.
And this free dome will last!
No more,
Of that wretched family I had had.
No more family at all,
But I'm not sad.

They know!
They know it was me!
Everyone is looking,
Just to see,
This kill twitch and squirm,
Under their glares,
Oh how pleasant,
See how this monster fares.

Calm. Cool. Collected.
It's what I am.
Like a con-artist,
About to a scam.
No one suspects me,
Not at all.
Even someone else,
Took the fall.

Another suspect!
How could this be?!
Couldn't  they see,
That is was me?
In! In!
I have to confess!
Maybe then,
My concious would rest.

No! Never!
I am free!
No one will know,
It was me.
The court, the jry,
All of their faces.
I was never there,
Or in any such places.
The blood ,
That had been spilled,
My debt,
Would never be filled.
Pride, evasion,
Adrenaline pumping,
Blue clothes, guns,
Sirens sounding.

Free.
Free.
I am free.

Cuffs,
Clanking around my wrists,
It's what I deserve,
Not to exsist.
Clanking, knocking,
A gavel to sentence,
Regression, solitude,
A chance for repentance.
Confess...
It must be done!
This insanity  plea,
Is what I've become?
A psychopath,
Who can't fix what he built,
All because of a loose screw,
Called guilt.

Caught.
Caught.
I have been caught.

Bars,
Cold and metal,
Cells,
Gray and lead.
They found,
My family.
And found.
Them dead.

Italic-bad.
Normal-good.
Bold-both.

The Inner Difference

In comparison to what I am and what people see are two different perceptions. Some people see a loud, abnoxious girl, and others see a funny person to be around...in reality I think about every little thing I am going to say. My brain always calculates a situation, thinks of senerios and outsomes of what could happen, and then make a rational desicion. On the outside I may seem careless, but I am all the more cautious because of it.

Another paradox, open to all but to oneself. People who think they know everything aren't aware when that only makes them painfully aware that they don't. (anything else I would put, I believe is too much to let out in the open...I'm secretive.*eyes darting*)

Well...I want to right a poem about this now.

On the outside looking in,
The chinks had become clear,
A wonder of what could have been,
Just to figure who is dear.

A shadow in the light,
Always dimming the surrounding dark,
Causing caution and a bit of smite,
Waiting for what could light the spark.

Sitting within my transpearent haze,
Peering at the flaws of my being,
Something catching, and holding my gaze,
When I try to firgure what I am seeing.

Openness, clearity, with confusions,
Who could have come to that ultimate conclusion?
A human, a person, an inner-self taking control,
Waiting for a lost someone to console.

Can you figure out what this is about? Because, though I wrote it, it's confusing, but all the more clearifying.

Analogies

Young is to ignorant as old is to experienced.

My analogy. Originally, it was gonna be ALOT more complicated(pain to pleasure as pleasure to pain) but, then I thought of this! Whoo...

Do young people feel emotions more deeply than older people?

Well, since I finished the first question, I'll listen to music as I answer this one. ^_^

Do young people feel emotions more deeply than older people?
Yes and no.
It's a fresher experience for a teenager to fall in love than it is for some say, in college or out of college to feel it. The new feelings that a teenager would feel could overwhelm them(not really, more like confuse). Someone older, wiser would know how to deal with it smarter, and not dive to deep in a relationship. The older person would keep a person at arm's length, while a teenager would be like an open book.
But, the times nowadays, things happen all the time to make teenagers withdraw away from something like love. Teens are smarter now than they were in Romeo and Juliet's times, they could easily see if someone is lying(if they're bad at it) and avoid it. Teens could feel the love, but they would be scared of what has happened previously(death of someone, losing someone emotionally) to try again. So they would be smart and withdraw from the person that cold be right for them.