A Whole New World Found By A Girl

    I have changed up the story and fixed my mistakes! So read my story since I have fixed the errors!

               All she saw was a lake and a enormous forest surrounding it. There were also flowers every where. The lake was so blue that it matched Hailey’s eyes. She was in the middle of no where. She was very interested in the lake so she went swimming. The water was soothing, and her blond hair shined when the sun hit it. After she got out she went walking through the forest. The animals greeted her as she passed them. After that she and picked flowers for her mom. When the moon came out, she though she should get home so she went back to the church. Her only problem was that the vase was broken. If the vase was broken she could never go back home!
         

              Just as she started to cry she remembered that there was a vase just like that one in the office. So she ran to the office and got it. She put the new flowers in it and placed it on the podium. The ground shoock, but the vase didn't fall. Afterwards she ran outside and she was in her home town again. The weird thing was time never past; it was like she never went to the forest. Hailey walked home but she never told anyone about that place and she never went back.

                A girl named Hailey was dressed in a frilly blue dress. She was going to church, to put new flowers in the vase that sits on the preacher’s podium. It was her job to put new flowers in the vase every week. When she walked into the church there was no one in sight. So she walked up to the podium, but she accidentally knocked over the vase. The vase cracked in half and the ground shook. She ran outside to tell her mom what happened, but she paused and looked around just to see where she was.                                                     

Comments

[Lani]

Hi Victoria,

I can see that you've been hard at work revising your good story to make it even better!! You've almost succeeded in catching every error and that is really hard to do!

I wonder if you might want to ask Mrs. C or Mrs. A about the spelling of the word "shuck", especially since I think that is such an important word in your story.

I really look forward to reading more of your writing! What is next?

Best,
Lani