My Corrected Story

    I fixed the mistakes and finish the rest of the story. So please read my story and I hope you like it.

It was a very hot day in the summer and the Fisher's family was talking about a vacation. They were discussing about what place they were going to go and how long they were going to stay.  They were going to go to the coast of Oregon.  Where it was much more cooler.  They were going to leave on a Friday morning.

     When that day came it was very busy.  There were suitcases everywhere.  The house was a mess.  Rooms were becoming vacant.  The car was over loaded with all the suitcases. Once they were ready they head off to the road.  It took three days to get there.  When they got to Oregon the Fishers family was excited and happy to get out of the car.  They didn't want to get in the car no more.  The fishers rented a house close to the ocean.  So when one of the family members got bored they can go outside to look at the view, or so that they can swim.  For the rest of the day the Fishers family spended the whole time organizing and putting every thing they brought in its place.

      The next day the fishers' family was gathering food for a picnic.  They were going to have their picnic by the ocean.So the fishers family headed of to the ocean. The mom was unfolding a  blanket on the sand,dad was puting up an umbrella. The kids were still inside getting every thing they needed. Once they step out the door from their vacation house, they can't go back inside because it was a picnic. Once every one was outside the mom was fixing the sandwich that she took out.Every one ate the sandwiches that she made. After they finished every one wanted to swim but they had to wait for a few minutes.After those minutes were over they all went running to the ocean.Two hours went by and the Fishers were still in the water.Then all of a sudden one of the family members saw something jump out of the ocean. It was a Whale. The dad said go get the camera, so the daughter went running to the house to get the camera. Once she found it she went back out and gave the camera to her dad. The dad was take pictures a lot of pictures.The Fishers were so excited that they put one picture in there albumn. That's a vacation they willl never forget.      

Photo Courtesy of Chris

Comments

[Lani]

Hi Mia,

You've done a nice job of tying your title, your picture and your story ending together with your revisions. I do like it!

Can you help me? I have two questions:
1. Can you describe how the whale looked when it jumped so I can make a picture in my mind?

2. If the Fisher family put only one picture in their album of the whale, which one was it and why did they pick that one?

Do you think those additions would make one "whale" of a story!???

Best,
Lani